my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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