Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
