don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize