saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
