Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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