is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
