why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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