genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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