Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
zippers are such a cool invention
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
