i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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