If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I think your dad took our porno
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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