I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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