broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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