so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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