That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
