Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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