The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize