my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
