in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
