I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
