You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
