She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
