You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
