I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
