My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
