Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
