My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
