Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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