She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
