Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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