Your tits are I can't wait for
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
