man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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