dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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