chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
