i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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