I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
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