please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
