as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
