Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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