i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
