Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
