A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
