so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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