My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
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