the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
only you would photoshop your dick
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
