I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
