Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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