Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
