Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Randomize