I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
