My nipple is on Facebook.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
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