i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize