it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
