i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
