You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
