I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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