and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
