Please, let me fuck your mom
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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