Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
