I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
