I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
