You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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