and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
