We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
