I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
