17 year olds will be the death of me.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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